Ri-i-i-ing. Ri-i-i-ing. “Commercial Investigations. This is Guardian.”

“Hi Guardian, this is Marc from The Child Care Center. We’re a new client. We received a background investigation from CI and I’d like to discuss the results with someone. There are some hits and discrepancies. With all of the legal requirements having to do with fair hiring practices, I’m at a loss as to what my responsibilities are. Is there any chance you can help me?”

“Indubitably, Marc! Are you familiar with our Decision Matrix tool?”

“Yes. But I’m not really sure where to begin. Is it possible to have a meeting somewhere? I’ve received my vaccinations, so I’m a bit more confident venturing out. Have you been vaccinated?”

“Marc, Marc, Marc. I’m an eagle. We can’t get COVID. How about ice cream from Jimmy’s at 3:00 today?”

“Thanks, Guardian. You’re a lifesaver!”

Fast forward to 3:00. Guardian sits at a booth with a bowl of a delectable ice cream. In comes Marc, a little harried but none the worse.

“OK, Marc. I understand The Child Care Center hires teachers, nurses, drivers, and office personnel. On the Decision Matrix, we want to identify potential hires by report number to protect their identity and we can also capture the position or job title. Now, what position has the person applied for? What type of hit came up? How long ago was that? I empathize with you feeling overwhelmed by all the protections afforded to applicants by New York State’s Article 23-A and all the other hiring regulations, but don’t get too frazzled. If the individual in question is applying for a nursing position and has a conviction for abusing prescription drugs, that’s pertinent. If that same individual has a few speeding tickets from three years ago, perhaps not so much. If it’s someone who applied to be a driver, those speeding tickets may need to be taken more seriously, whereas petty theft might count for less. Hiring someone for an office job, where they have access to the finances? That same petty theft may be a red flag. But if the person applying for an office job has some violent offenses, not so much. People who work office jobs should be people persons. Right, Marc?”

“Of course, Guardian. I also practice meditation to maintain balance.”

“You’re a keeper, Marc. Finally, the teachers you hire. You might not want them to have any violent or sex offenses either, no? Not when they’re dealing directly with vulnerable kids. But if they were found guilty of minor traffic misdemeanors, how pertinent is that to their job?”

“I understand what you’re saying, but why keep it all in a spreadsheet like this? Why not just make the decision and go?”

“Lawyers, Marc. If you and your colleagues at The Child Care Center document everything, you can demonstrate your consistency in decision making. You’ll want to talk to a lawyer, yourself, but we at Commercial Investigations strongly recommend you use the Decision Matrix. That’s why Michelle Pyan developed the procedure. Now, one last item. Hey, manager! I got this Chocolate Mouse ice cream and there’s no mouse in it.”

“Excuse me, sir, that’s Chocolate Mousse ice cream.”